We believe in creating explicit agreements instead of holding unspoken expectations. The purpose of these agreements for the Relational. Nonmonogamy & Making Polyamory Work hub online spaces is to create a supportive and welcoming container so that everyone can grow and learn and be a human. Many interactions on social media are harsh, judgmental and unhelpful and this group strives to be a vast departure from that. In order to create a powerful container for growth, everyone in the group is asked to follow these tenets of confidentiality, consent, radical honesty, responsibility, and making things better.

Your participation in the group presumes that you agree to abide by these agreements to the best of your ability.

Confidentiality

This is meant to be a safe container to share intimate and vulnerable details about your relationships, sex life, orientation, emotional and psychological makeup, and many other ins and outs of your personal life. So that everyone may feel free to do so, it is imperative to maintain confidentiality and privacy.

Some people who seek out the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle have no other safe place to truly speak their truth and show who they are. To maintain this group as a sacred space to share authentically, do not share screenshots, posts, comments, or images that are posted within the confines of the group, unless the original poster has given you explicit permission to share them. This applies both online and offline. 

You can share the lessons you learn from the group, but please let stories remain inside the container.

Also, respect the privacy of those who are not in the group. When you share, make sure it’s your story to tell, and take care to remove names, use gender-neutral pronouns, block out identifying photos, etc from posts or screenshots when you are telling a story that involves or is about other people.

Consent

It’s wonderful when people who participate in a community like this are also able to connect to each other outside of the group and offline, forging new connections and expanding their personal support network. Part of what helps us move through this otherwise lonely world is feeling held up by a community of people.

However, this group is not a place to look for a date, a hookup, or a new partner. There are more than enough dating sites and apps for that purpose. Please do not contact anyone in the group privately or send friend requests unless you have obtained their consent to do so.

Best way to do that is in the group and it may look something like this:

Person A: <posts something cool in the group>
Person B: Hey @Person A, that’s so cool! Can I DM you to talk directly to you about that?
Person A: Sure!

Remember that if someone gives their consent for you to add them as a friend or message them privately, that does not mean they are indicating interest in you as a romantic or sexual partner. 

The Pass Rule

If you are a “no” to any request or invitation made to you within the group, whether from Libby or another member, please say so.

If someone says "no" or “pass” to any request or invitation that you or anyone else offers, it is important to say thank you and not ask again or push. It can take a lot of courage to say no, so it's important to respect that, celebrate the setting of a boundary and then discontinue the behavior.

Example:

Person A: <posts something cool in the group>
Person B: Hey @Person A you sound really cool. Can I friend you so that we can talk more about this and other things?
Person A: No thanks, I like to keep this group separate from the rest of my life.
Person B: Thank you for taking care of yourself. I completely understand. [And then don’t ask again]

Radical Honesty

In order to truly grow or move to the next place we want to go, we need to be willing to be authentically where we are, wherever that is. All group members are encouraged to be radically honest, vulnerable, and to reveal what’s hidden wherever possible. Not being willing to be with what is can be the biggest block between you and having a breakthrough, and showing ourselves to our fellow group members can also be a gift and a permission slip for them to show themselves as well.

Responsibility

Communication

To make communication as valuable as possible, group members are highly encouraged to ask for what they are looking for instead of being vague. You can say things like “I just need to vent” or “I could use advice” or “I just want some support” or “I just wanted to share and hear if this resonated with anyone else.” The kickass folks at Multiamory created the Triforce of Communication for clarifying your purpose and what kind of response you may be seeking, so that is a tool you can also use. You will get so much more out of the group when you tell others how they can best support you.

When It’s Unclear

When someone has not clearly stated what they are looking for in their post, it’s much better to ask than to assume! So if someone shares a problem or struggle they are having, try asking “Do you just want to vent or are you looking for advice?” 

“I’m Full”

If you feel you have received enough listening/support/advice in a particular thread, feel free to simply post, “Thank you, everyone! I’m full.” This indicates that you are satisfied with the response and no further discussion is needed. If the original poster has indicated they are full, but you have something valuable to share on the subject, start a separate thread about it.  

Making Things Better

By joining this group, you agree that we are all here to support one another. In order to do that, it helps to perceive that we are all on the same team, and that it’s in our interest to be caring toward each other. When you share something within the group, the goal should be to contribute to the overall energy and goals of the group. When you respond to someone else, the goal should be to make things better.

Everyone messes up sometimes, and we’re all at different places in our growth, so there may be times when someone posts something that is upsetting to you. Sometimes making things better means acknowledging that and sharing that impact while holding each other in warm regard. It’s also our responsibility to show up in the space willing to be accountable for how we impact others.

In order to move through any difficult moments, a key thing is to approach each other with kindness, assumption of good intent, and a desire to make things better.

If someone says something that is hurtful or offensive to you, hold them in warm regard and yourself too. Begin from a place of assuming that they may be unaware that what they said is hurtful or offensive. Aim for understanding rather than punishment when you are responding.

If you are being called out on a mistake or for hurting someone else, hold yourself in warm regard and the other person too. Start from a place of realizing that those calling you out are giving you the gift of their feedback to help you know the impact of your words and help you avoid making the same mistake in the future. (The same way you’d want a friend to let you know you have a chunk of spinach stuck in your front teeth.) Aim for understanding rather than defensiveness when you are responding.

Everybody's life experience is different, and our language and methods of communicating vary. Good intentions do not cancel out unintentional damage, but it's important to start from the expectation that everyone is here to help you and do their best to support you.

Other Posting Guidelines

• Take Space Make Space: some of us are more empowered to speak our minds and use our voices than others. If you tend to be a person who feels comfortable sharing a lot, be attentive to how much space you're taking up. If you're someone who has a hard time putting yourself out there and speaking your truth, lean in and remember that your contributions are extremely valuable, possibly more than you can realize.

• Please include content warnings on any post where it’s appropriate. If you are in doubt, it’s better to go ahead and use a content warning for good measure. If a mod or fellow group member asks you to place a content warning on your post, then thank them for asking and edit your post to reflect that.

• In the interest of preserving the labor of people’s posts as well as promoting accountability and transparency, please do not delete threads and comments whenever possible. If you wish to retract or alter something that was posted, please use the edit feature and add a note clarifying that this post or comment was edited. Please reach out to a mod if you have any questions about this.

• Please do not block mods or group admins.

• Spam isn't cool. Self-promotion out of a genuine desire to share and celebrate accomplishments is fine, in moderation. Please keep content relevant to the group, though.

• Check any racist, sexist, classist, sizist, ageist, ableist language. If it creeps in and someone gives you a heads up, just thank them and make the correction. In the same way that it’s unwise to use “Always” and “Never” statements when talking to a partner, avoid using similar blanket statements when talking about a particular group of people i.e. “All men are like that” or “Monogamous people never do that” etc.